Do you find yourself often thinking the worst, or convincing yourself that things are your fault, that people dislike you or that itโs all going wrong? If so, read on for reasons why this happens, and some simple tips to help you to achieve more balanced and fair thinking.
๐๐๐ฎ ๐๐ค ๐ค๐ช๐ง ๐ข๐๐ฃ๐๐จ ๐๐ค ๐ฉ๐๐๐จ??
Our minds are designed to jump to conclusions constantly, as processing each individual situation we find ourselves in would take far too long and be too hard work. So we never approach situations with a blank slate; we approach things with all the baggage of what has happened to us before.
Any situation that we are in can be interpreted in different ways. Letโs say, for example, someone doesnโt respond to a phone call or text from you. What meaning might you place on that? Does your mind jump to positive or neutral assumptions? You might dismiss this as them being busy and have confidence that they continue to value their relationship with you. Or does your mind jump to negative, self-critical assumptions? You might assume they didnโt care that much about you, that they have other things or other people that they value more, or even that they donโt like you or are annoyed with you about something. The way you make sense of this will depend on your mood that day, your existing knowledge of the person involved, and your past experiences.
Of course, any negative assumptions might be true. But they also might not. If you find that across a range of different situations, you tend to jump to these similar negative conclusions and allow them to go unchallenged, it is likely that there are thinking traps at work. We all fall into thinking traps all the time, but if we are unaware that is what is happening, and we start to treat our thoughts as if they are facts, then it can start to grind us down and affect our feelings about ourselves.
๐๐จ๐ฉ ๐๐ข๐ฉ๐ฌ ๐๐จ๐ซ ๐๐ซ๐๐๐ค๐ข๐ง๐ ๐ ๐ซ๐๐ ๐ ๐ซ๐จ๐ฆ ๐๐ก๐ข๐ง๐ค๐ข๐ง๐ ๐๐ซ๐๐ฉ๐ฌ
1. NOTICE
Thoughts are not facts. Catch the thoughts or images that pop into your head. Notice what thoughts run through your mind in response to events. Consider writing them down or recording them somewhere. (E.g. โEvent: โ missed deadline at work. Thoughts: Everyone will think Iโm rubbish at my job. I donโt deserve to work here. I should just quitโ)
2. TAKE A STEP BACK
Imagine that you are an investigator in a court of law, or a scientist only interested in cold hard facts, looking objectively at your thoughts. Examine the evidence that this thought is true, and any times that it is not 100% true. Consider writing the arguments for and against it. Try hard to find examples that support this statement. Are there any flaws in your statement? Are you making โall or nothingโ statements about yourself when the reality might be somewhere in the middle? Are you mind-reading or looking in a crystal ball and assuming the worst? Are you being fair to yourself? What would a trusted and honest friend say to you if they knew what you were thinking? What would you say to a friend who was thinking this about themselves?
3. RESPOND
Can you โanswer backโ your unhelpful thought with a fairer, kinder, more balanced one? Try to include lots of fact-based detail so that it is convincing. Spend time reading over your response, and see how it makes you feel. When you look at the situation with this new perspective, does anything shift for you? (E.g โI missed this deadline at work and that is disappointing and might affect peopleโs views of me right now, so of course I feel miserable about it. But I have never missed a deadline before, I have received positive feedback about my last project and have some good relationships with colleagues. Iโve coped with difficult situations like XYZ before and I know that I will overcome thisโ)
4. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
Do something that will help. Trust in your own wisdom and do something that is in your best interests. Ask a trusted friend for their opinion, spend time with others, do an activity that you enjoy, reach out to people even if you feel like pulling away from them, take some time to yourself if you need that too. Take care of your physical health: make sure you are nourishing yourself, drinking water, sleeping, seeing your GP for any health concerns.
5. LEARNING
Over time, see if there are any themes or traps that you find yourself being pulled into repeatedly. Do these themes make sense to you given your personal experiences? Keep practicing spotting and challenging these thoughts, rather than accepting them as truths, no matter how convincing they seem. Every time you challenge rather than accept a belief, you are training your mind to be more open to other, kinder possibilities. Just like learning any new skill, this gets easier with practice.
Iโd love to hear your thoughts about this. Feel free to comment below or contact me.
If you feel you would benefit from some professional help to deal with unhelpful thinking, please contact your GP or seek help from a registered mental health professional such as an HCPC registered clinical psychologist.
Dr Danielle Gerson is a qualified clinical psychologist offering private psychological therapy, courses, training and consultation. www.manchester-psychologist.co.uk