So a bit of a personal post from me after a period of absence. How are you, whoever you are reading this? I mean, really. How are you really?
It’s been really hard in a whole host of ways hasn’t it? For me, my last few weeks have been filled with the relentless (but privileged) tasks of parenting and working. I know that I am incredibly lucky to be a parent, to have my health, a job, a partner, but I must admit that my patience and gratitude have worn thin on more than one occasion recently. My days have largely consisted of working, “home schooling” (to a greater or lesser extent), playing referee to the children, making meals and snacks (a LOT!), trying to keep up with the never-ending laundry and housework, trying to have some time with my husband, and drinking countless cups of coffee. It is a contradictory mixture of wonderful, exhausting, overwhelming, exciting, boring, lonely, special and totally mundane.
With no childcare and two little ones plus work, I don’t feel there is time to think at the moment. However, my focus has definitely zoomed in on the smaller things, with less of the noise associated with normal life. Whilst I am desperately missing some of these ‘normal’ things, like contact with friends, separation between work and home, time alone, leisure activities we used to enjoy etc, I do feel thankful that I have had this period of time to do some re-evaluating of what is really important to me. I guess there is little more powerful than a total upheaval of your life and being faced with a risk to the health and wellbeing of everybody you love to get you focussing on what really matters.
In my clinical psychology work, and for my own personal wellbeing, I have become increasingly interested in therapeutic approaches that consider our values to be central to our ways of living a meaningful life, coping with problems and tolerating difficulties. Clarifying our own personal values can be really enlightening, as we can find ways to continue living our values even in the face of problems. Our values can act like a compass, “they give us direction, keep us on track, and help us find our way when we get lost.” (Harris, 2019)
The situation that we have all found ourselves in is not our fault. We are all doing the best we can. Despite the shared problem of this pandemic, we all have our own unique circumstances and challenges. Bereavement, separation from those we love, loss, financial uncertainty, work-related stress, illness, isolation etc can all make this already difficult situation so much harder. Whilst we have to be very cautious (I think) not to pathologise our very normal responses to this very abnormal situation, and to recognise that our own feelings are entirely understandable in the current context, there are ways that we can take some actions that might help our own coping.
Exploring and connecting with our own values is one powerful way to do this. I have used these last few weeks and months to reconnect with my own values and am trying to live them in various ways. Do you know what you value? What really matters to you? Ask yourself what you stand for? What gives you purpose and energises you? What do you disapprove of or dislike? What makes you feel passionate? Who inspires you and what qualities do they have that you admire?
For me personally, some days I feel more closely aligned with them than others. But I do feel that trying to more consciously connect with what is important to me has given purpose and meaning to my life and gives me courage. I have taken small steps (like social media breaks and keeping my phone in a different room more frequently, so that I can try and be more present), bigger steps (like stopping colouring my hair to embrace my more authentic self and to challenge my societal-learned views about women’s value being linked to appearance, youth and attractiveness) and one or two enormous steps (like resigning from my job) in pursuit of my personal values.
I am hugely lucky that I am able to do some of these things through the practical and emotional support given to me by others. I recognise that many are not in such a fortunate position and therefore have to endure situations that feel jarring and wrong. Becoming aware of what you value, and noticing what does not align with your values, can make challenging situations a little easier to tolerate. Values allow us to take actions to shape our lives and hopefully move us closer to living a more authentic and meaningful life.
When I look to the future past the next month, I like most of us literally have no idea what it will look like. Uncertainty is so scary and uncomfortable, but also an exciting opportunity to do different, new things. Hopefully things that feel more right than what came before.
Dr Danielle Gerson is a qualified clinical psychologist offering private psychological therapy, courses, training and consultation. www.manchester-psychologist.co.uk